Ex-Pentecostal Recounts
Spiritual Journey
First, thank you for your wonderful
website. I'm looking forward to seeing it progress and grow.
I grew up in a small rural Pentecostal
Church of God in southeast Missouri, where the members were primarily
related by blood or marriage. For many years I've told a revisionist
history about my reasons for leaving not only that church, but
Christianity as a whole. As an adult I claimed that I never really
believed in the things I was told, but the truth is that I carried a
shame of having come from this background.
I vividly remember being a small child
and attending services where I curled up in fetal position under the
pews because of my fear of seeing my close family being "slain in the
spirit" or speaking in tongues. Even though it frightened me, I believed
that speaking in tongues was "proof" of salvation, and up into my
pre-teens worried that I was going to hell because I had not spoken in
tongues.
It finally happened at an Assembly of God
summer camp, though in hindsight I can see this experience was anything
but divine. I went through the entire week of camp hearing stories from
other children who had not only spoken in tongues, but claimed to see
incredible miracles such as missing limbs regenerating and the dead
returning to life. Of course, everyone was surprised that I had not
spoken in tongues and even though it was never blatantly said, there was
always the suggestion that since tongues were proof of being filled with
the Holy Sprit, it was also proof of salvation. The last night of camp
featured an awards ceremony (cleanest camper, nicest camper, etc.) and a
revival. Though I was frantic about not having spoke in tongues, I was
too shy to go up to the altar during "altar call". A few of my cabin
mates and counselors pulled me to the altar and started shouting and
screaming at me, and shaking me by the shoulders, begging God to rid me
of whatever demon was holding onto my tongue and preventing me from
speaking in tongues. All I remember is seeing the room go black, and
then I woke up looking at a circle of faces looking down on me as I lay
on the floor. Everyone told me I had spoken in tongues. I was elated,
but wished I could have at least remembered it.
It never happened again, though later I
met a few people who said, "Sometimes you have to encourage it by saying
Praise Jesus over and over, as fast as you can." I was told I was too
inhibited. Looking back, I honestly believe I had a nervous breakdown at
camp that night. I think the fear and anxiety I had, coupled with being
an impressionable child, resulted in that experience.
Many things led to my leaving the church
as a teenager. I began wondering how anyone could think God loved us
unconditionally when He would send someone to Hell for eternity for, at
most, 80 or so years of living in sin? How could God love us equally
when He allowed so much disparity in our individual lives? Dealing with
my own suffering, I began taking offense to people who tried to tell me
that "God had a great plan for me" while they were off enjoying their
wonderful little lives. I think my realization that speaking in tongues
was more of a symptom of mass hysteria, rather than a divine encounter,
was what made it easier for me to jump ship.
The problem, which I never fully
appreciated until visiting Ex-Pentecostal, was that those years had
seriously affected my intellect. For years I jumped in and out of other
religions, looking for something that offered easy answers for
everything...just like fundamentalist Christianity. I looked for a
religion that could explain the Universe from beginning to end. I ended
up running from a lot of cults--and gradually learned that most
religious groups that claim to have the monopoly on truth tend to also
be spiritually abusive cults. I never realized that I was doubting my
own experiences, and always felt the need to be told what to believe. I
never completely comprehended how damaged my self- esteem was, and how I
was still living with a "black and white" mentality that haunted me even
as I became spiritually liberal. Even my immediate family, although they
no longer attend a church, are still clinging to negative attitudes
about themselves, their lives, and the world around them.
I've been a member of the Unitarian
Universalist church for a few years now, though only recently have I
realized how appreciative I am for this place where I can use reason and
personal experience as my guide along my spiritual journey. It's amazing
how something can be so obvious, yet so hard to grasp. That's what I had
been doing in denying my history. My shame and denial of coming from an
environment of superstition, hysteria and ignorance prevented me from
dealing with the emotions and thoughts that have kept me miserable.
Thank you for helping me to help myself.
D Politte
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